To the friendly skies and the men in them

Oh friendly skies, why oh why do you insist on trying to seat me with the most pathetic of men? Here's a small sample of the men I have met on planes in the last year.

1. The Bush Administration guy - you were actually quite attractive in a distinguished older guy kinda way and being the commissioner of a federal agency under the Bush administration isn't too shabby, considering I've never been a Hill staff ass(istant). What ruined it for me was when you got on the plane and were trying to put your bag in the overhead compartment, you whined like a punkassed little bitch about how much room there wasn't in the overhead compartment. You whined so much, I felt compelled to ask you if you needed a more absorbent tampon, but I held my tongue and nodded sympathetically instead so you would sit down and shut the fuck up so we could take off. For a man that travels that much, you think you would know that when you're the last to board a plane, there is hardly any room for YOU, much less your luggage and your uneaten smelly cheesesteak. WTF were you thinking? Therefore, finding out that you had just had pizza at the White House a few nights before did not impress me, especially after the fact that your mother called when we landed. So even tho you gave me your card and you asked me out to dinner, I won't be calling you to set up that date. BTW, having your card with all your pertinent work info provides much entertainment as I contemplate the potential of embarrassing Dubya with pictures of one of his close, personal friends, biggest fund-raisers, and administration members seen in compromising positions with a pagan girl that's half his age and a Dem to boot. Not that I would actually do that, but damn, that would be funny.

2. The ESPN soccer guy - you weren't a lecherous perv, and it's cool that you work for ESPN, but I don't know shit about pig farming. How the hell did the conversation go from setting up the film crew for a soccer game to pig farming in Florida? Is it because I have a few freckles, ergo, I know a lot about farming? Who the hell wants to farm pigs anyway? Just shut up so I can sleep.

3. The Memphis musician and the soldier sitting next to him that had vodka in his 7UP bottle - I appreciated the offer from both of you to hook up for drinks while we were all in the same town, but how are you going to escape from your girlriends that met you at the gate to meet me for those drinks? Hmm? I think you were thinking with your little heads, not your big ones. And I KNOW that I mentioned that I was meeting my boyfriend, too. Why would I drop hot sex with a great guy to meet strangers out for a drink? I don't know. Do you?

And my personal favorite:

4. The drunk "I used to race motorcycles, but I crashed because I'm an idiot and now I'm a loser car salesman" guy - I tried desperately to pretend like I was sleeping, but you kept jabbering away. I can appreciate your need for Jack Daniels and pain killers, and I can sympathize with a sucky marriage, but I wasn't impressed with the $2K in cash you were flashing. Nor was I impressed with the fact that even tho your dick isn't all that long, it's bent like a g-spot vibrator, which seems to impress women you tell about it. Hmm. I really am happy for you, but I have A BOYFRIEND WHO I MENTIONED SEVERAL TIMES THAT I WAS FLYING TO SEE and my own vibrators which aren't attached to drunk married sleazebags. I found it touching (read: embarrassing and annoying) when you bribed the flight attendent to come up and say that we looked like a nice couple, and ESPECIALLY found it touching when you grabbed my hand and wrote DON'T FORGET ME, EVEN THO YOU THINK I'M A JERK with a black ball point pen right before we landed. BTW, my boyfriend was waiting for me right outside the gate, so I had to high tail it to the bathroom and scrub my hand for 5 minutes to get that fucking ink off before he saw it, you asshat, so that I could maintain my dignity without having to explain how I got some unintelligble bullshit scrawled on my hand by an inebriated jerk-off. Thank god that was a short flight.

And all the while, the other passengers around me sat and quietly chuckled in the their contraband Starbucks cups and never offered any interference or assistance whatsoever. Not even the flight attendants. Chivalry is definitely fucking dead in DC.

So friendly skies, have some mercy on the girls who fly in you and let us sit next to nice old men (or women) who snore the whole time.