Heh

President Bush Sells Louisiana Back to the French President Bush and a giddy Jacques Chirac shake hands on the deal.

BATON ROUGE, LA. - The White House announced today that President Bush has successfully sold the state of Louisiana back to the French at more than double its original selling price of $11,250,000.

"This is a bold step forward for America," said Bush. "And America will be stronger and better as a result. I stand here today in unity with French Prime Minister Jacques Chiraq, who was so kind to accept my offer of Louisiana in exchange for 25 million dollars cash."

The state, ravaged by Hurricane Katrina, will cost hundreds of billions of dollars to rebuild.

"Jack understands full well that this one's a 'fixer upper,'" said Bush. "He and the French people are quite prepared to pump out all that water, and make Louisiana a decent place to live again. And they've got a lot of work to do. But Jack's assured me, if it's not right, they're going to fix it."


The move has been met with incredulity from the beleaguered residents of Louisiana."Shuba-pie!" said New Orleans resident Willis Babineaux. "Frafer-perly yum kom drabby sham!"

However, President Bush's decision has been widely lauded by Republicans. "This is an unexpected but brilliant move by the President," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. "Instead of spending billions and billions, and billions of dollars rebuilding the state of Louisiana, we've just made 25 million dollars in pure profit."

"This is indeed a smart move," commented Fox News analyst Brit Hume. "Not only have we stopped the flooding in our own budget, we've made money on the deal. Plus, when the god-awful French are done fixing it up, we can easily invade and take it back again."

The money gained from 'T'he Louisiana Refund' is expected to be immediately pumped into the rebuilding of Iraq.

A-Z meme

I am so unoriginal and braindead lately, so I am stealing a meme from Russ just to pass the time.

A ~ Age you got your first kiss - Peck - 1st grade, so I was 6. French kiss - 6th grade, so I was 12.
B ~ Band listening to right now - I'm at work, so nothing, but on my way in I was listening to Keane.
C ~ Crush - Eric Bana
D ~ Dad's name - Kenneth Lee
E ~ Easiest person to talk to - R or Trey
F ~ Favorite TV show - House
G ~ Gummy worms or bears - Haribo (German) gummy bears. American gummy bears are too mushy
H ~ Happiest memory - luckily, I have quite a few. One of the most recent is coming downstairs to see R and the girls curled up on the couch together watching Dodgeball and laughing hysterically.
I ~ Instrument - Finger cymbals :)
J ~ Jr. High Crush - Brian Eibner
K ~ Kids or no Kids - 2 crazy girls and maybe another one in a couple of years
L ~ Longest car ride ever - ambulance ride from car accident to hospital - we were caught in rush hour traffic, I had a neck brace on and was strapped to a back board... and I was getting car sick. Joy.
M ~ Mom's name - Anna Kay
N ~ Nicknames - Misha, Shelly Bean
O ~ One animal you like - squirrels
P ~ Phobias - heights, small spaces
Q ~ Quirks - uh... I also have quite a few of those. Let's just say I'm pretty eccentric for a semi-yuppie.
R ~ Reason to smile - when R or the girls belly laugh, I always laugh too
S ~ Song you sang last - Ain't No Mountain High Enough
T ~ Time you woke up today - 6am
U ~ Unknown fact about me - I can't ride a bicycle
V ~ Vegetable you hate - beets
W ~ Worst habits - too analytical about unimportant stuff, bad at finishing projects
X ~ X-rays you've had - chest for a flight physical, c-spine after car accident, teeth, sonograms for kiddos
Y ~ Yummy food - name an ethnicity, I'll name my fave dish
Z ~ Zodiac sign - Virgo, Aquarius rising

Blindfold me, please

Ya know how Fedex, UPS and construction guys are generally cute, muscular and sweaty, so no girl minds interaction with them, just for the sake of eye candy?

Well this morning, I had to drop something off at a house that's getting remodeled and had the prerequisite construction guys there. I know their names are Rob and Bean, so I am anticipating some college age looking man candy with no shirts on. Woohoo!

So I get there and get out of my car and what do I see? Two old, wrinkled, and hairy guys.

Gah!

Busy busy busy

I'm still here. Been a very busy week. Here's a quick run down:

Birthday
Job Interview
Girl Scout Meeting
Dr's appointment
Employee forms for earlier job interview
Brownie Meeting tonight

I have zero to do tomorrow, thank god, because I am exhausted. I haven't gotten home until after 9 almost every night this week. Blah

Love ya!

Smatterings

Few random Friday thoughts for you

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Gave some outgrown clothes to Farmer Jo, and now I have free pick of her bountiful plentitude of fresh produce. Bartering is good. I need wampum.

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Anyone interested in first hand retelling of what is actually happening on the ground in New Orleans from real cops, National Guard, and a doctor (and it's not full of positive spins and political bullshit) see First Hand by Jack the Narc. Very informative.

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Girl Scout cookies are coming! I know you all love me, but you'll love me even more when I feed your sugar/chocolate/bad carbs addictions. Moowhahaha. I'm your sugar mama.

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Here a few snippets from blogs that have given me a chuckle today:

Realized the only way to get good use out of a stress ball is to throw one at somebody you don't like, as hard as you possibly can. Casual Friday

In the last 48 hours, I have eaten three apples, two salads, a banana and a peach – which by my standards is about six years worth of roughage. Yes, this is all part of the masochistic health and fitness regimen about which I wrote yesterday. But after two days eating like a shaman I am now even more committed to my belief that if the good lord had intended us to eat this way, he wouldn’t have invented Count Chocula. Dad Gone Mad

I sit by myself and look at my lottery ticket wondering what I’d do if I won. Would I be responsible and generous? Or would I turn into Caligula? Hmmm. A little of both maybe. Waiterrant

Stolen Meme

I stole this from one of my new fave blogs, Under the Undies.

Things I have done in my lifetime, as of today:

(x) Smoked a joint
( ) Been in a wet t-shirt contest
(x) Crashed a car
( ) Stolen a car
(x) Been in love
( ) Had a threesome
(x) Been dumped
(x) Shoplifted
(x) Been fired
(x) Been in a fist fight
(x) Snuck out of the house
(x) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) Been arrested
(x) Made out with a stranger
(x) Gone on a blind date
(x) Lied to a friend
(x) Had a crush on a teacher
(x) Been to Europe
(x) Skipped school
(x) Seen someone die
( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of yourself on fire
(x) Eaten Sushi
(x) Been skiing
(x) Met someone from the internet in person
(x) Been moshing at a concert
( ) Been in an abusive relationship
(x) Taken painkillers
(x) Love someone or miss someone right now
(x) Lay and watch cloud shapes go by
(x) Made a snow angel
(x) Had a tea party
(x) Flown a kite
(x) Built a sand castle
(x) Gone puddle jumping
(x) Played dress up
(x) Jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) Gone sledding
(x) Cheated while playing a game
(x) Been lonely
(x) Fallen asleep at work/school
( ) Used a fake ID
(x) Watched the sunset
(x) Felt an earthquake
(x) Touched a snake
(x) Slept beneath the stars
(x) Been tickled
(x) Been robbed
(x) Been misunderstood
(x) Pet a reindeer/goat
(x) Won a contest/race
(x) Run a red light
(x) Been suspended from school
(x) Been in a car accident
( ) Had braces
(x) Felt like an outcast
(x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) Had deja vu
(x) Danced in the moonlight
(x) Hated the way you look
(x) Witnessed a crime
( ) Pole danced
( ) Been obsessed with post-it notes
(x) Walked barefoot through the mud
(x) Been lost
(x) Been to the opposite side of the world
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Felt like dying
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Played cops and robbers
(x) Recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) Sung karaoke
(x) Paid for a meal with only coins
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) Made prank phone calls when you were younger
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) Danced naked in the rain
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(x) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(x) Blown bubbles
(x) Had a bonfire on the beach
(x) Crashed a party
(x) Gone rollerblading
(x) Had a wish come true
(x) Worn pearls
( ) Jumped off a bridge
(x) Screamed the word penis in public
(x) Ate dog/cat food
(x) Told a complete stranger you loved them
(x) Kissed a mirror
(x) Sang in the shower
(x) Owned a little black dress
(x) Had a dream that you married someone else
(x) Glued your hand to something
(x) Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) Kissed a fish
(x) Worn the opposite sex's clothes
(x) Been a cheerleader
(x) Sat on a roof top
(x) Screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) Done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) Stayed up all night
( ) Didn't take a shower for a week
( ) Picked and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) Climbed a tree
( ) Had a tree house
( ) Are NOT scared to watch scary movies
(x) Believe in ghosts
(x) Have more than 30 pairs of shoes
( ) Worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
(x) Gone streaking
(x) Played chicken
(x) Been skinny dipping
(x) Been pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on
(x) Been told you're beautiful by a complete stranger
(x) Broken a bone (do toes count? How about a severed finger?)
(x) Been easily amused
( ) Caught a fish then ate it
(x) Caught a butterfly
(x) Laughed so hard you cried
(x) Cried so hard you laughed
(x) Mooned/flashed someone
(x) Had someone moon/flash you
(x) Cheated on a test
(x) Forgotten someone's name
(x) Slept naked
(x) French braided someone's hair
( ) Grown a beard

Mipples

Ashlyn is obsessed with nipples or "mipples" as she calls them. She grabs various women's mipples (including me, her father's girlfriend, various family friends and even some men) whenever she can. Her obsession began when she was breastfed and subsequently weaned, which was about 2 years ago now... but her obsession continues.

Case in point, night before last as I was driving the girls home from Lauren's soccer practice, Lauren was fussing at Ashlyn for picking at a tiny wart on her knee. Ashlyn then matter-of-factly informed Lauren that she didn't like warts and that she liked mipples better, so she had a mipple on her knee, not a wart. Uh...

That's the Mipple Lover. Note the mipple devil-glare in her eyes.

All I have to say is that I hope her future lovers (be it man or woman) enjoy nipple play, because they will be getting alot of it.

Russ, this one's for you

I have nothing original to write, so I am stealing other people's stuff. But I am giving them props, so it isn't quite plagarizing. *ahem*

This is from one of my fave blogs, Dad Gone Mad, written from the view of a guy with 2 young kids.

Things They Don't Tell You In Childbirth Classes Because You'd Puke

It has occurred to me lately that the classes most hospitals offer to expectant parents about childbirth and childrearing are woefully devoid of information about the most disturbing elements of parenthood. I remember walking out of those sessions saying, “OK. I know how to change a diaper, how to burp a baby and that the birth of my child has something to do with a vagina. I’m all set. Bring on the offspring!” I was such a dipshit.

Bringing a child into the world is disgusting and gory and unsanitary, and raising them isn’t much cleaner. As a service to my brother-in-law Robert (a new father), Old Buddy Andy (an expectant father) and Craig The Mouse Killer (newly engaged), I will now list a few of the key discoveries I’ve made during my four-plus years of fatherhood --- items not discussed in childbirth or childrearing classes because they don’t want to make becoming a dad seem as much like an episode of Fear Factor as it really is:

Childbirth

1. When your wife is in the late stages of delivering your child, the doctor while ask her to push, whereupon she will bear down on midsection with the force of 10,000 atomic bombs. The goal, naturally, is to have something come out of her crotch. Unfortunately, there are two holes in her crotch and it’s best that you know now that something is going to come out of both holes. Hole number one will produce a baby. Hole number two will produce, well, number two. You’ll try to look away and you’ll try to maintain your focus on what’s coming out of hole number one, but you won’t be able to. And you’ll never be able to look at a Play-Doh Fun Factory again.

2. After your child is born and has been taken across the delivery room to be weighed and measured and wiped clean of yuck, you’ll notice that the doctor is still staring into hole number one. Do not attempt to accost the doctor; he’s not getting his jollies. He’s actually “delivering” the most rancid, foul, nightmare-inducing substance known to man: the placenta. If your doctor is a sicko like ours, he’ll hold it up and show it to you when it comes out. Be prepared. The placenta looks like someone has taken the layer of melted cheese from the top of a pizza and is holding it sauce-side up. They’ll try to convince you that it’s beautiful and a miracle and shit like that, but when you’ve been up all night stressing about your baby being born with his nose on his ass or your wife dying during childbirth, there’s nothing beautiful or miraculous about a big skin bag covered of blood, is there?

3. The first few shits your newborn takes are made of the same substance NASA uses to adhere those special tiles to the outside of the Space Shuttle to protect it from the unfathomable heat it encounters upon re-entry to earth’s atmosphere. It is black and sticky and infused with the smell of the vomit one produces after a night of partying with a quart of tequila and a bag of chili-cheese Fritos. By all means, make the nurses in the hospital change the first few diapers. They love that shit. And if you get it on your hands, there isn’t a space-age polymer on the planet that will get it off of you.

Childrearing

1. There are more varieties of fluids in a child than there are under the hood of your average import sedan, and all of them are bound to come out flying out of the child at different velocities from time to time. For example, last night there was a wad of snot the size of a nectarine that had dried and sealed shut the left nostril of my daughter. I was able to pry it loose with a chamois, a putty knife and a stick of Juicy Fruit, but my point is that you have to be prepared for anything. They puke when they’re mad. They have diarrhea when they’re asleep. And they shoot piss at you when they’re having their diaper changed. Fathers of Planet Earth, I have but one word for you: duck.

2. Imagine your wife at her PMS worst. Picture her raging at you, spewing hate in your direction for no good reason, slamming doors in your face and threatening to dismember you with her eyelash curler. Now imagine that same behavior from someone who is two feet tall and cannot color a picture without sticking his tongue out. This, basically, is the kind of irrational behavior you can expect from your child when you deny him Halloween candy for breakfast or tell him that he may not, under any circumstances, throw dogshit at his baby sister. Kids are fucking crazy sometimes and there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s best to just let them wail and go back to watching SportsCenter until they calm down.

3. If you do not already know how, you should learn to complete the following tasks immediately (reason in parenthesis): strip and remake a bed in the dark (your kid will wet the bed at 2 a.m.), breathe threw your mouth for long periods of time (your kid will get sick and will simultaneously cry, vomit, shit his clothes, also at 2 a.m.), resist torture (your kid will want to watch Barney’s Adventure Bus for the 1,192nd time right about the time your favorite team is taking the opening kickoff back for a touchdown in the Super Bowl), make pasta with butter (that’s the only thing your kid will eat until he’s 14), take a kick or a punch in the balls (no matter how hard you try to avoid it, your kid will hit you there --- either accidentally or on purpose --- once a day for the foreseeable future).

4. You’ll never sleep through the night again. That’s just the way it is. But I’ll be up, too, so call me.

Katrina, You're the Queen Bitch

Among all the tragedy, these just struck me as funny.

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Quoted from Casual Friday where in this guy lists the highlights of his day:

Spent the rest of my afternoon watching CNN and replacing "Katrina" with "That Fucker"-

• There's no telling how many people have been affected by That Fucker
• White House officials are being blamed for the choas That Fucker left behind
• Well as you can see Bob, That Fucker just came roaring right through this entire city
• One thing is for certain; That Fucker will cost the American tax payers billions

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Taken from Post Secret:

Bye bye, long weekend. You will be missed.

My father's visit this past weekend was great, but honestly, I'm glad it's over.

We went to a vineyard, we went to the Renn Fest, we had fondue and we went shopping. We talked a lot and played computer games and Xbox. We got pissed off when installing a new superduper graphics card. Fun and merriment was had by all.

Most importantly, my dad is much happier and healthier than I have seen him in a long, long time. And he made the same comments about me and said that R and I are much better suited to each other. R even received the official fatherly stamp of approval when my dad asked when we planned on getting married (notice it was "when", not "if" - I guess my dad wants me to become an honest woman - if he only knew...)

That said, the lack of real sex in my house because of said visit is a bad thing and must be rectified as soon as possible. There was hanky panky and slap and tickle and we even made it to 3rd base, but there was no home base in sight.

I'm not much for sports metaphors, but ladies and gents, I am in desperate need of a grand-slam home run!