Anatomy of a Failed Marriage, Part Deux

At this point I feel I need to give some background information on C. C was the third child but first born son in his family. His mother worshipped the ground he walked on. He got away with everything thru charm or anger up to this point in his life. He was very selfish and self centered and very competitive. Competition in sports, which he played alot of, is understandable, but he was cometitive over weird things. For example, when he and I were in the same Chinese class, he would gloat if he got better grades or get angry if I got better grades.

I, on the other hand, am non-competitive to a fault. I avoid confrontation and I am extremely uncomfortable about confrontations that occur in front of me that don't even involve me. I have always played the peacemaker role, or capitulated to make people happy. Fret not, tho because in the last 10 years, I have learned to have something of backbone, especially when it comes to men. On with the story...

Lauren was born in March of 1997. Fortunately, she was the apple of C's eye despite his misgivings. He was very involved with her care, BUT... he was competitive with me! When she woke up, he wanted to pick her up first. If we were picking her up from daycare, he wanted to be the first parent she saw. If she fell and hurt herself, he wanted to be the first one to offer her comfort. He was constantly trying to one up me with our own INFANT daughter. To this day, I have no idea why. Parenthood is not a competition, it's a team effort. In his point of view, it seemed like he and I were always on opposite teams.

In the mean time, he and I were still arguing constantly. He had a very bad temper and I felt like I had to walk on eggshells around him all the time. If he was happy, he was really happy and everything was rainbows and sunshine. If one thing that was important to him was 'off,' you couldn't talk to him wthout him screaming at you. At the time, I also couldn't understand why the things that were important to him were so important, mainly video games and golf. If he couldn't figure out a portion of the game, he was frustrated and felt stupid, so he would scream. If his golf swing was off, he would practice and play for hours and hours every day. If his golf swing was good, he was still practicing and playing for hours and hours every day to improve himself. Because of his various interests -which were very close to obsessions- C was gone alot. I was home alone with our daughter while he was gone with our only car, most of the time.

(I do have to give him his props at this point, tho. For only having played golf for a couple of years, he was almost a scratch golfer, with his scores averaging in the mid to high seventies. C is a natural athlete and is good at any sport he plays, anywhere from baseball (was scouted for the Dodgers until he blew out his knee) from golf (see above) to bowling (bowled a 298 last year).

Looking back, I now see the signs of manic depression in him then. They came into full view a few years later. I'll get to that in a bit.

In March of 1998, C got orders for a one year remote tour in Korea. (I orginally had the orders, but that is a forthcoming post.) He left in April for a one year tour. Things were extremely tense between us when he left, but I was loving and supportive when he had to go to Korea. Facing a one year tour away from your family is not fun, even if you are a self-absorbed jerk. During that year, we drifted even further apart. We both had affairs (him with a fellow AF girl stationed in Korea, me with recycled boyfriend -my fallback guy- who still lives in Fla). I became more determined to get out of the marriage upon C's return to the States in May of 1999. C still wanted to work things out, even tho neither one of us was happy. Once again, I agreed to a three-month trial reconcilliaton.

THEN... C got hurt. He had excruciating pain in his neck and shoulders, muscle atrophy and nerve damage in his left arm and fingers (this was doubly bad because he is left-handed) . He went from doctor to doctor and after being misdiagnosed and going thru a few excruciating tests, the doctors finally figured out that he had 2 herniated discs in his neck that were pressing on the main nerve on his left side, which was causing all the other symptoms. He had surgery in January of 2000 to relieve the pressure, but they couldn't complete the whole procedure because his spinal cord was in jeopardy. The surgery did relieve SOME of the pressure and he regained the full use of his left arm, but he still had a lot of pain in his neck and shoulders.

It was at this point that his manic depression lost all the mania and just went into deep clinical depression.