Goldilocks and the Bear

This is too funny:

WEST VANCOUVER, British Columbia (AP) -- It was a real-life version of Goldilocks and the Three Bears -- only in reverse -- when a woman came home to find a young bear eating oatmeal in her kitchen.

The bear apparently entered through an open sliding glass door, broke a ceramic food container and started eating, West Vancouver police Sgt. Paul Skelton said.

"It sounds like a nursery rhyme, doesn't it?" Skelton said. "At least we have a health-conscious bear on our hands."

Three police officers who went to the home Thursday couldn't get the bear to budge, so authorities let the animal finish its meal.

"The bear didn't appear to be aggressive and wasn't destroying the house, so they just let it do what it was doing and eventually the bear decided to make its way out of the residence and down toward a forested gully," Skelton said. "It ended the best it could."

Skelton said bears in the suburbs north of Vancouver have been coming out of hibernation as hungry as ever but later than usual but this spring because of a heavier than normal snowpack from the winter. The report Thursday was one of six complaints police said they received about bears in the area that day.

Murphy's Laws of Bellydance

Ok, here it is (keep your pants on, Nikki):

Our performance in the bellydance show went pretty well. There were some minor goofs, but nothing major. This is a minor miracle in itself, considering there were 16 of us crowded on a tiny stage.

No one fell or turned the wrong way. No one smacked anyone else with their arm movements - we were in a chorus line, so that was a very real possibility. In fact, I scratched a lady on her face in rehearsal last week. Whoopsie.

My friend's hip scarf got tangled with another dancer's hip scarf during a turn and when they turned the other way, they both got jerked back to the center until the offending coins popped off their scarves. When it happened, my friend blurted "Oh SHIT!" which then prompted the girl in front of her to check and make sure her fake ponytail didn't fall off in the turn.

The girl behind me was nervous and even tho she knew the choreography, she wasn't 100% percent comfortable with it, so she kept double-checking the steps with me in a low whisper a 4-count ahead of time, so I was smiling and talking to her thru my teeth thru the whole thing.

I goofed a little, too. I did a shimmy walk for 4 counts instead of a camel, but corrected myself on the next turn, but I was so far to stage right that I was almost in the wings because we were arranged tallest to shortest from the outside in, and I'm the tallest, so I doubt at least half the audience could even see me anyway.

But these flaws were minor - I doubt anyone noticed much because the stage was full and we were staggered.

A few of the other performances went awry - the music was cut off or the wrong song was played. One girl was dancing a SPECTACULAR tribal-style dance and was in the middle of a back-bend (they take ALOT of strength to maintain because you're moving so slowly) when her legs gave out and she landed flat on her back. The audience sounded like the crowds at the Olympics: "WooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOO... OOOOHHHHHHhhhhhh!!" Ouch. But she recovered well and continued her dance, performing several more back bends without a hitch. She was awesome.

Performing with that many people is always bound to be fraught with errors, but it's mostly only the performers themselves that know anything is wrong in the first place.

Overall, it was a pretty cool experience. I wasn't nervous at all, for some reason. I was excited, but I think I was more nervous about getting ready and looking good than the actual performance. I think I've been humiliated too many times with important things to be concerned about messing up in a dance show.

Speaking of looking good, I don't have any pictures to show anyone yet. It was really dark in the theater, so most people's pictures came out dark and blurry. I'll try to locate some and I'll post them later.

The afterparty was entertaining. I ended up only have one mixed-drink because it was a long day and I still had to drive home. But I have a new word for you, my dear readers:

LOLLICOCK (a large phallus-shaped lollipop brandished by a fellow dancer after quite a few margaritas - the funny thing is, she sells them. Mostly to gay guys. heh)

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And on another dance note, I am now a co-writer on a new Bellydance blog titled:

Bellydancer's Blog (original, ain't it?)

So swing on by and give a shout!

Close Encounters of the Deer Kind

I'm posting an oldy from my archives because I am crazy busy, but I didn't want you all to think I had forgotten about you. Smooches!

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I love all things in nature, except for mosquitoes and roaches. But the brazen deer around here get on my damn nerves. And I'm not even a gardener.

A couple of years ago, I was driving thru suburbia, on a dark residential road. All of a sudden, I see two little shiny objects floating in the air in front of my car that look, strangely enough, like eyeballs. I realize, because I am smart, that this is one big friggin' dog that I'm about to hit. Then I recognize a cute little bambi tail and it sinks in that this a DEER, not dog. So I think semi-quickly and swerve towards it's cute little ass, because - according to the local lore - this is the proper procedure to avoid hitting said deer because twitchy, dumbass deer keep running in the same direction as when you first scared the shit out of it with your headlights. Therefore it theorectically should not run back into the middle of the road that you are swerving across. So I swerve and the tricky bastard scampers off into the woods - after causing me much alarm and rubber on the road.

But what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a SECOND tricky little bastard deer! (because deer travel in gaggles to avoid bad deer hoodlums in suburbia.) This second deer ran smack into the side of my car, splatting mud and deer hair all over my car! (I could also swear I heard it say the deer version of "Holy shit!" and then "OOOF" when it ran into my car.) THEN it decides to get the hell out of the road because roads were apparently built for these weird smelly things called cars, not for deer traveling in gaggles, so it SCRAMBLES OVER MY CAR (denting the trim and breaking off the side view mirror) and into the woods beyond, where the original tricky deer bastard is waiting in the shadows. I'm sure they set about roaming freely thru suburbia once again, eating everyone's gardens.

Yes folks, I was the victim of a literal hit and run.

And to top it all off, MY insurance goes up because I had an animal collision.

Shake your groove thang, baby!

My bellydance class is having its hafla (student performance) next Saturday. I'm very excited about my first performance (as an adult. I used to bellydance with my mom's troupe when I was a kid).

But somehow, this hafla has morphed from a student performance into a gala show with THIRTY-FIVE performances that will last 3 1/2 hours.

Then all the performers are suposed to go out to a local restaurant/bar afterward, still in performance makeup and rhinestones, covered in glitter.

The othe male customers are either going to:

A. Think they died and went to heaven

or

B. Died and went to hell, surrounded by drag queens.

They Never Learn...

(aka Women are Vindictive Bitches)

Why are men so prone to getting caught cheating (and making it on CNN) ?

And why are women so vindictive about the men who cheat on them?

Now, we all know women cheat about as much as men. But men seem to lick their wounds and get over it. Women, on the other hand, usually want to RUIN THE CHEATER'S LIFE.

Exhibit A:

Granted, this fucktard looks none-too-bright, if you ask me. And impersonating a U.S. Marshal probably isn't the smartest thing he's ever done, either. But his "girlfriend" was notified by a former "girlfriend" that he wasn't who she thought he was. But instead of dumping the dumb bastard, she contacted his wife, then networked with his other former "girlfriends" online, started a website, AND contacted the U.S. Marshal Service!

Exhibit B:
Speaking of websites, there is a new website that has gained national press. What's it called? Don't Date Him, Girl. A website for outing your cheating ex-boyfriend for all the world to see.

Or better yet, Exhibit C:
How about just going straight to the source and ripping off his "franks and beans," like a Philly woman did her to husband because she thought he was cheating? But guess again... he wasn't cheating.

Yes, most of these men are dumb sonsofbitches, but I don't really think they deserved to be publicly (or physically) eviscerated.

I'm sure these women would have crucified these men if there had been large crosses and some Roman soldiers handy.

And what does this say about the women who do the eviscerating? Would any man want to date such a vindictive psycho? I think not.

In my honest opinion, I think it all comes down to competition. Men may be more competitive when it comes to sports and jobs, but women are FAR more competitive when it comes to love, sex, and other women. They want to WIN. And if they don't, some women feel that any revenge is justified.

We all know there is far more to cheating than just the sex - cheating, especially in a marriage where complications abound, is a symptom of a much greater disease. But if you can't or don't want to deal with the cheater, just breakup with/divorce him, give yourself some time to deal with it and move on. Because after you breakup, he's not your problem anymore.

Why go to such great lengths to destroy his life?

Is it an "if I can't have him, then no one will" mentality?

I really am at a loss for such extreme behavior.

What do other women think on this subject? What do the men think?

And for the record, I've cheated (on one person with one person, ever), I've been cheated on, AND I've been the recipient of one of these psychotic bitch's stalking, and none of them are pretty.

*Update*

Now this is a healthy way to deal with it. Thanks, Sven.