Say, "Nacho Cheese Enchilada!!"

The whole time I was trying to take this picture, the three of us were giggling and I kept telling Lauren to close her mouth because she loves to leave it open like Fozzy Bear during photos for some weird reason and Ashlyn always makes googly eyes.

I was finally able to snap this one while Ashlyn and Lauren were both actually looking at the camera and smiling, but what you don't hear is Lauren saying, "Nacho cheese enchilada!" as I snapped.

I had just wiped ketchup off both their chins.

And neither one of them is wearing pants.

At least Lauren's mouth was closed.

I know it's a little fuzzy (took it with my phone), but I just love this picture of my girls, as much for what was going on "behind the scene" as in front of it.

A Craigslist Valentine's Day

I know I already spewed forth my venom about Valentine's Day a week ago
(which was quite nice, actually. R and I had a nice dinner, a movie and great sex.)

But this guy has it bad. I'd feel sorry for him if I wasn't laughing so hard.

8 things I hate about valentine's

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8) Lame message hearts. The only thing worse than feigning gratitude when you hand me three hearts with “Be Mine”, “You Stud”, “So Hot” is falsely complementing you on your third grade creativity. After that, I have the pleasure of choking down these delightful little confections that taste like a combination of elementary school chalk and baseball card chewing gum.

7) Overpriced Dinners. Thank you for bumping up your prices by $25 for the pleasure of eating your attempt at realizing your culinary dreams. Mmmmm… love that odd lemon/foot flavored cream sauce you doused on the new potatoes. Did you use dill on this flank steak you are passing off as veal? That makes you a real chef. This should go well with that moldy tasting boxed cabernet you’re serving at the reasonable price of $9 a glass. P.S. nobody likes FLAN!!

6) valentine Cards. Thanks sweety, I’m glad it took you 10 minutes to decide between the Whinny the Pooh card that said “You’re my Honey” and the Tiger Card that said “Your Terrifficccc!”. I want to poop on your head wasting 3 dollars.

5) DeBeers commercials. Oh DeBeers, You most bastards of the Belgium families. Congratulations on raping the people of South Africa, exporting all the wealth to Europe, and artificially inflating the price of diamonds by restricting the supply to the market. But why stop there you ask? You didn’t. You successfully launched a marketing campaign that has ever women in America believing that a not so rare carbon-carbon stone is the incarnation of love itself. Thanks for securing my dates disappointment when her gifts are wilted roses, dusty chocolates, and… an overpriced dinner. Diamonds are Forever?? Fuck You is Forever too you waffle-slinging assholes!!

4) That damn guy who goes overboard. Guess what dude, those years of being a neglectful father and husband or the affair you had with your coworker won’t be forgiven simply because you bought this girl a tennis bracelet, sent 100 roses to her work, and hired a wandering serenade for the night. The only thing your accomplishing is making the rest of us look bad. BTW- she’s sleeping with your best friend.

3) Valentine’s Night Sex. I just spent 4 hours pretending to enjoy the evening, I am half cocked on bad wine, and my stomach is turning because of that awful dinner and shitty candies. I am in no mood for athletics. It doesn’t help that my penis is on DEFCON 5 and about to blow any minute because you stopped having sex with me two weeks ago to make this night “special”. The most you can hope for is two minutes of awkward half pumps and that I don’t fart on you in my sleep as I try to digest all that nastiness.

2) Singles Parties. Hmm… two choices of girls here. The really drunk chick who wants to tell me about her shitty ex, or her fat friend who couldn’t get a date for the life of her. Hey Betty, here’s a tip, that bleach job you did for the hair on your upper lip glows underneath the black light. No I do not want to do a body shot off of you, you yeti.

1) Its my birthday god damn it. I either have to spend it with some needy girl who wants me to treat her like a princess, or all my bitter friends who don’t have a date for valentines day.

You! Shake Your Junk!

I have been so excited for the last couple of days because I'm going back to bellydance class and possibly a performance troupe after a 2 year absence.

(Due to a nasty divorce, lack of time, and lack of funds. Oh, and my dad had cancer, and my parents got divorced, and my boyfriend cheated on me with a psycho puta, and I got laid off, and I was in a bad car accident, and my daughter had a tumor -benign, thank God, but had to be surgically removed all the same. Those were two bad, bad, baaaaaaaaaaaaaad years. I hope 2004 and 2005 rot in the hell from whence they came and are never to be seen again. Or I will claw somebody's eyes out. Not mine of course, because then I would be miserable AND blind and who needs that?!)

Anyhoo...

I can't express how excited and happy to be taking class with my closest friend and excited and lusting after costumes and excited I am! Did I mention I am excited?!

I mean, to have an excuse to dress like this AND shake my junk (of which I have plenty - I am pretty bootylicious for a white girl):



Of course I'm not quite as thin or cut as she is (yet) and I'm about as white as Casper's ass... but on the plus side, my boobs are bigger than hers!

Besides, half the fun of bellydancing (besides being sore in muscles you never knew you had) is the costuming. I'm drooling just thinking about it.

I want to shake and puke just at the thought of public performances, but hopefully that will ease with time, practice, and confidence. Or it will end in complete and utter humiliation. Ya never can tell with those types of things.

But as long as I'm wearing something gorgeous and sparkly, I'm cool either way.

To Kill an American

Last week, in the midst of all the uproar in the Muslim communities about the Mohammed cartoons, I had a new little girl join my Brownie troop - she's in my daughter's third grade class. We were discussing other Girl Scouts around the world and I mentioned that some countries divide their scouting groups by religion. Then I mentioned that in the US, it doesn't matter what your religion is, what color your skin is, how much money you have, or whether or not you have a disability - all are welcome in the Girl Scouts of America.

Spontaneously, all the girls started comparing themselves and their differences in skin color (I have black, white, middle-eastern, and mixed-race girls in my troop), hair color, a few wear glasses, one little girl wears a hearing aid... etc.

Then the new little girl, Amna Nazir, quietly said, "I'm Muslim."

To which 8 other little voices replied, "COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!"

Amna broke into a huge grin.

There was no judgment, only curiosity and total acceptance.

I looked at the other table and saw Amna's mother and older brother smiling big smiles, too.

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Got this forwarded to me in email today, which I usually hate, but I thought this was worth passing on to the masses.

BTW, the forwarded email is from a co-worker who is from Ethiopia... and is Muslim.

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You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American.

So an Australian dentist wrote an editorial to the newspaper the following day to let everyone know what an American is, so they would know when they found one.

"An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani or Afghanistani.

An American may also be a Comanche, Cherokee, Iroqouis, Blackfoot, Sioux, Navaho, Apache, Nez Pierce, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as Native Americans.

An American is Christian, or Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan and more Jews in America than in Isreal. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses.

An American is also free to believe in no religion at all. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government AND for God.

An American lives in the most prosperous land in the history of the world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each person to the pursuit of happiness.

An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need, never asking a thing in return.

When Afghanistan was over-run by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country.

As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan. Americans welcome the best of everything...the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best services. But they also welcome the least.

The national symbol of America, The Statue of Liberty, welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These, in fact, are the people who built America.

Some of them were working in the Twin Towers and the Pentagon on the morning of September 11, 2001, earning a better life for their families. It's been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 different countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.

So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and other blood-thirsty tyrants in the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself.

Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place... they are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom.

Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American."

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Happy Friday, ya'll.

My Funny Anti-Valentine

I consider myself extremely lucky to have someone to share my life with that is loving, supportive and affectionate year-round and not just on days like today.

That being said, the commercialism and hypocrisy of Valentine's Day just twists my panties ( and not in a good way). What other day offers an excuse for people to act like great girlfriends/boyfriends/wives/husbands when they are actually fuckwits the rest of the year?

Call me crazy, but why does one arbitrary day in February mean you must rush out (along with everyone and their dog) and spend exorbitant amounts of money to prove their love? Alcohol? Always good. Cards and chocolates? Fine. Stuffed animals if you're over 12? Gag me. Diamonds? Run NOW.

There is a commercial for a jewelry store playing on TV every 10 minutes now that shows a little girl talking to an 20-something girl.

The little girl says, "Brian likes you."
20-something girl says, "How do you know?"
LG: "He told me!"
20 SG: "He told me too because I'm a gold-digging whore who only shags Brian when he buys me stuff!" while displaying a diamond pendant necklace.

Don't get me wrong, I think that children giving out Valentines to their classmates and having little parties is sweet - in fact I'm bringing cookies to my daughter's class in about an hour. I also think people SHOULD celebrate their love with occasional gifts and thoughtful notes, but on days that mean something - birthdays, anniversaries, special happenings, etc. But not because Hallmark and Nestles and Teleflora and Kay Jewelers tell you to.

So, in the spirit of my snarky anti-commercialism, here are some Anti-Valentines that I find very funny.

Goofing off

I have a deadline on Wednesday. So what am I doing? Surfing the web and blogging, trying to kill the last painfully slow hour I'm chained to my desk.

So what happens then? The co-owner of the company walks up behind me to say hi and see how I'm doing. What do I have open? My Yahoo mail account that has a huge YAHOO GAMES banner flashing across the top.

Yeah, baby.

Hey, at least it's not porn.

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Evidence I live in the Washington D.C. area:

You know how kids spray paint street signs with grafitti and gang signs and stuff?

In my neighborhood and in the one where my kids attend school, there are 2 stop signs that I roll thru (hey, why lie?) every day. Instead of "I love you, boo" or "Gangstas 4eva" or whathaveyou, these stop signs say: Stop War and Stop Bush.

Political grafitti is such an oxymoron to me - it makes me chuckle.

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Another reason not to contribute to the Bush campaign (not that it matters anymore):

VP Dick Cheney shot a campaign contributor while out hunting in Texas (where else?) this weekend.

heh

hee hee

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Fortunately for the shootee, it he was just peppered with buckshot and will make a full recovery.

This just smacks of poetic justice to me.

I'm a mammal, you're a mammal, he's a mammal, she's a mammal....

What is it about snow that makes me want to hibernate?

There is nothing I would rather be doing right now than be in bed, napping with R - or maybe watching a good movie with some hot cocoa, which is exactly what I did this past weekend.

3 hours to go until I am doing just that.

Despite how much I dislike the white stuff (well, technically, I don't dislike snow, it's the ice that it turns into that I don't like so much), our local celebrity enjoyed it quite a bit.


The caption under this picture in The Washington Post says "Tai Shan huddles close to his mother for warmth."

Apparently, the photographer has been blinded by the snow because that is no huddling baby panda. That baby panda has a mouthful of mama's fur! He's not trying to get warm - he's biting the shit out of mama!

That furry little fucker is cute, tho, isn't he?

Sting would be pissed.

So much for romantic notions of sending a message in a bottle.

Crikey!

Friday Funnies

The Muslims are up in arms across Europe and Asia because a Danish newspaper printed a comic that depicted the Prophet Mohammed. He wasn't doing anything atrocious, but apparently it is blaphemous to even draw Mohammed.

That's all well and good and to each his own... but here's the funny part, as stolen from a newspaper quote:

Mohammed: Believe it or Else!

Of course, the same could be said for most religions. And besides, what good is religion if you can't make fun of it?

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This is more on the moronic side of fucking stupid:

The Kansas Attorney General has outlawed snogging by teenagers.

He needs to be shot and taken out of making OTHER people miserable.

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Last but not least, here's a comic that could describe many relationships: