Another reason I'm not a screamer

Amorous couple sparks rescue drama
Jul 27, 8:23 AM (ET)

LONDON (Reuters) - A British couple who headed out to sea in a dinghy for an amorous liaison sparked a major rescue operation when their cries of passion were mistaken for someone in trouble, British police said Tuesday.

A passer-by raised the alarm after hearing strange noises coming from the waters near a beach in Torbay on the southwest coast of England Saturday morning, prompting the coastguard to send lifeboats and police to the scene.

"It was found that there was a partially-clothed couple in a small rubber dingy that were brought ashore and asked to put their clothes back on."

Now, I'm not one to throw big fucking rocks in tiny little glass houses because, hey, I've been busted by the cops while I was half naked, too (and yeah, it was the bottom half) .

Oh yeah, and try speedily putting on and pulling up your jeans that are fashionably full of holes in the miniscule area of the front seat of a Chevy Z24 while you are sweaty and a cop is standing outside the car, tapping his flashlight on your window... there is no 'speed' about it.

And Hi, the cop said my name was familiar to him. It was for one of three reasons - none of which are exactly 'good' scenarios. Those three reasons were:

1. I was the long-time (ex) girlfriend of a fellow officer. (embarrassing)
2. His police department had offered me a scholarship (I was in college at the time). (really embarrassing)
3. I had testified against another fellow officer in a rape case. (revenge, anyone?)

Notice none of them involve me and criminal stuff, because even tho I may be stupid, I am law abiding. Except when it comes to parking. And sneaking food into the movie theater.

But at least I wasn't so incoherent/loud that they sent out a rescue crew.

My dad the comedian

(My father is coming to visit in September and I spoke with him for about an hour on the phone yesterday, so this lead me to reflect on my father.)

What can I say about my dad? For most of my life, he was an enigma. To say that he wasn't around much during my childhood is an understatement, but it wasn't because he was some drunken lout that was always out womanizing. It was because he was active duty Army in Psychological Operations, so he was always deployed with Special Forces, busting his ass for Uncle Sam. In a nutshell, he's a man who worked hard and provided for his wife and family his entire life.

But since he retired last year, overcame cancer, split with my mom and moved into a studio apartment, I am discovering my father as a person. Oh, I have seen glimpses of him in the past 32 years, and even more since I moved out of the house and became an adult, but in truth, I didn't see much beyond a husband, father, and soldier/security expert.

(Side note on my naivete as a child: I had no idea that my dad had an actual occupation in the Army for 21 years until I was a senior in high school. I have specific memories of taking dinner to him at work when he worked swing shifts, but I really just thought a soldier was a soldier was a soldier and ALL soldiers worked in basements with crytpo locks and an MP guarding a thick steel door. One day, a gung-ho JROTC guy in my history class asked me what my dad did in the Army. I kinda gave the guy a blank stare then brightened up and recited a saying from a unit t-shirt my dad had that read "Bang Bang, can you hang with the 1st PsyOps Battalion. First with the Finest." - of course, the only reason I remember that t-shirt is because it had a charicature of a bulldog with a cowboy hat on it, which I always thought was odd, but that is beside the point. Anyway, the gung-ho guy went completely apeshit when he found out my dad was in PsyOps and started asking where he was stationed and what he did, etc. I found myself to be a minor celebrity with this guy for a while because he followed me around and asked me questions, like the JROTC version of the papparazi. )

Outside of work, my father has never really been a football and beer on Sundays type of guy, but has always been interested in more intellectual/hobbyist pursuits. His hobbies over the years have included Dungeons and Dragons, leatherworking, wire jewelry making, photography, N-scale trains, writing sci-fi novels, racing RC cars, reading sci-fi/fantasy, and the ever present computer and RPG games - my 60 year old dad has a desk top, a lap top, an X-box, and a Gameboy. I was always involved with his hobbies and worked on/made projects with him, which I always found extremely enjoyable especially since my mom and sister weren't really interested in what we were doing - it was just quality time for me and my dad. My sister always enjoyed the computer games, so that was their bonding time.

The aspect I have enjoyed the most about him in the last few years tho, is his sense of humor. Everytime we talk on the phone, we always trade jokes. He loves blonde jokes.

Favorite blonde joke:
Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek contest winner.

And he comes up with monikers for everything.

Favorite food monikers:
Biscuit Surprise and Adventures in Succotash (I'll leave you to wonder on those.)

The story behind my all-time favorite moniker:
Last year, he was forced to medically retire, then he was diagnosed with cancer, all on top of finding out about my mom having an affair. So in effect, he lost his job, his financial security, his health and his marriage all in the period of 2 months. After his cancer diagnosis, my sister and I were devastated and I, for one, was scared to talk to him because I didn't want to break down and cry on the phone and upset him further. So when I finally talked to him that evening, he was joking with me, trying to cheer me up. He started laughing and when I asked what he was laughing about he said, "I just figured out my new nick name... the ANTI-LOTTERY WINNER!!"

We both dissolved in giggles.

Twisted bastard.

How I love him so.

Odd smells in the office

There is this lady I work with, I'll call her Chief, that owns an organic farm with her husband. They only raise animals, but they network/barter/trade with all the other local farmers.

Every week, she brings in about 20 dozen organic eggs for all her co-workers to buy. We all snatch them up because they are gorgeous large brown eggs with rich yolks that even still have hay on them. My girls love helping me cook with them.

But this week, she has brought in produce. Zuchinni, summer squash, green beans, and cabbage. Yummy to be sure, but remember, she's an ORGANIC farmer and so are all the other local farmers.

So today, there is a slight smell permeating our little warren of cubicles. One of cabbage and... manure.

Breakfast anyone?

Quiz results

What is your Magick Path?
DRUIDIC - You have to live close to nature to
survive. You dream magick. In the deep woods
you gather, bringing together mysticism and
philosophy, insight and learning. Your spirit
emerges from the the tides of the sea, the
light of the sun, the wind in the Oak, the cry
of the deer.

*Yeah - I LOOOOVE the bleating cry of the deer when they run into the side of my car and break of my side-view mirror and dent my trim. Grrrr*

What animal spirit lives inside of you?

Fox
In you the spirit of the fox lives.The fox is very smart and thoughtful. He is concentrated in hunting its food and always seems to plan 10 steps ahead.So do you.You are a hard-working, concentrated and focused, smart person which plans ahead and has everything under control.But hey, you are not a fox living in the woods.Try to let loose sometimes and have fun.You live just once...Maybe...

Does this mean I'm foxy? Or that I have a pointy nose?

Panda Craze - Level 23

So I saw that someone reached my blog thru Google search results looking for hints on Level 23 for Panda Craze. Someone else got stuck too! Now I don't feel like a dumbass!

(Skip this post if you don't play Panda Craze.)

I was stuck on that damn level for DAYS, trying to figure out the sequence of blowing up dirt piles while trying to avoid that stupid zookeeper... and FINALLY I figured it out! So, I will try to explain it here:

What NOT to do:
Don't even bother trying to blow up all the dirt in the two different piles and hop on the carpet, expecting to make it to the ladder on the far side of the screen all in one fell swoop - your panda will croak because either the zookeeper gets in the way or the dirt reappears, thereby trapping you. (I tried this OVER AND OVER again, and you just don't have enough time.)

What you SHOULD do:
The key here is moving the carpet from that first dirt formation on the left to the second dirt formation on the right - it will be trapped there when the dirt reappears. This gives you the time you need to trap/blowup the zookeeper again and blow up the right side of the right dirt hunk to hop down onto the carpet and ride over to the ladder.

Here are step by step instructions:

1. Blow up the zookeeper, grab the lantern and bombs when you go down the ladder.
2. Run over and get the other lantern on the left (and pick up two more bombs), then dig a hole and trap the zookeeper and stand on his head til he dies.
3. Blow up the far right corner of the left dirt mound and the far left corner of the right dirt mound. The carpet will move to the right dirt mound.
4. After the dirt reappears and you trap the zookeeper again, blow up the far right corner of the right dirt mound while you hang from the vines on the right.
5. Hop down onto the carpet when it floats under you (DON'T MISS and DON'T FALL OFF) and ride it all the way over to the ladder.
6. Climb the ladder, dig your way down and collect the rest of the lanterns. The gate appears at the top of where those lanterns are.
7. Climb the ladder again, dig left and hop down into the gate.

Voila! Level 24 and 25 aren't that difficult. 25 is the last level.

Have fun and good luck!

Lessons from London

WE'RE NOT AFRAID

A totally awesome website has been created to say a great big FUCK YOU to terrorists - okay, it doesn't say Fuck you, it says We're Not Afraid!

This speaks more to me than the whole God Bless America thing that happened here on 9/11. Not that it wasn't (and still is) a great sentiment, but it was unoriginal.

ROCK ON, London!

ICE ICE BABY

Since the bombings in London, there is a new cell phone initiative to help fire/rescue/police contact your next-of-kin. It's called ICE and stands for In Case of Emergency.

To its owner, the cell phone is an indispensable lifeline at times of crisis, reuniting loved ones separated by unforeseen events at the touch of a button. But for members of the emergency services making life-and-death decisions, the cell poses a conundrum: Which of the numbers stored in its electronic address book should they call to reach a casualty's next of kin?

Now a simple initiative, conceived by a paramedic in Britain, has gained momentum on both sides of the Atlantic to try to solve this problem. Cell users are being urged to put the acronym ICE -- "in case of emergency" -- before the names of the people they want to designate as next of kin in their cell address book, creating entries such as "ICE -- Dad" or "ICE -- Alison."

At least two police forces in the United States are considering the idea, according to the initiative's British-based promoters, who say there has been a flurry of interest since the recent bombings in London.

Paramedics, police and firefighters often waste valuable time trying to figure out which name in a cell phone to call when disaster strikes, according to current and retired members of the emergency services, who said they must look through wallets for clues, or scroll through cell address books and guess. Many people identify their spouse by name in their cell, making them indistinguishable from other entries.

"Sometimes dialing the number for 'Mum' or 'Dad' might not be appropriate, particularly if they are elderly, suffer from ill health or Alzheimer's," said Matthew Ware, a spokesman for the East Anglian Ambulance service, which is promoting the ICE initiative. "This would give paramedics a way of getting hold of the appropriate person in a few seconds."

(You can read read the whole article here.)

Makes sense to me, and makes me wonder why nobody thought of it sooner. Necessity is the mother of invention, I guess.

Case in point, when I was in a pretty serious car accident a few weeks ago, if I had been unconcious, the paramedics/state troopers would have gone thru my phone and seen my mom and dad's numbers and contacted them, but they wouldn't have known who to contact locally to meet me at the hospital because my man, like the article says, is listed by his first name.

So now I have designated all my emergency contacts - my man, and my mom, dad, and sister with ICE (in capital letters) next to their names in my contact list so, just in case, the right people will be contacted immediately.

Take care of yourselves and your loved ones. If tragedy strikes, don't keep them waiting and wondering - it is the worst kind of torture.

Sometimes even a bad answer is better than no answer at all.

Monday Monday la la la la la la

Well, it's another Monday. Another day in the neverending cycle of home-work-errands-home. I wish I weren't a grown-up sometimes. No bills, no car accidents, no major responsibilites... I would miss the few things I enjoy - drinking, driving and sex (not in that order, mind you).

The only thing I got really stressed about in my childhood years (that I was concious of, anyway) was grades. And boy, did grades stress me out when I was still young and eager to please. (That eagerness came to an abrupt halt in high school for various reasons.) I don't know why I was so afraid to disappoint my parents - I guess every kid is when they are young and their parents' approval still means everything to them. My sister was always very ambitious in school and always had straight A's, so the pressure to keep up was on.

I was such a nerd. I used to have nightmares about unfinished school projects during the summer. In fact, I actually contemplated running away in 7th grade because I was going to get a "C" in Home Economics due to the fact that I was so anal, all my projects were turned in late.

Oh, if that were my worst problem now... I would be a happy, happy girl.

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Weekend update - ended up not doing a damn thing. It was POURING all day on Saturday, and the fairgrounds were acres and acres of complete muck on Sunday, so I ended up cancelling my cultural plans of going to the PowWow. Boooo I was actualy looking forward to that.

Had a really nice weekend with my man tho. We just stayed home and hung out and watched movies and talked and ate... it was a very relaxing weekend.

I find my cooking repertoire is expanding and going back to my roots at the same time in cooking for my man. My ex-husband always wanted chicken and pasta and pizza. That was about all I cooked for 9 years, except for an occasional break with fish here and there. He generally didn't eat pork and I wasn't good at cooking beef products, so chicken it was.

Now I find myself making the dishes my mom made growing up, because my man is from the South, too, but he also likes Mexican and Italian. So in the past few weeks, I've made fried chicken, chicken fried steak, chicken and dumplings - the biscuit kind (which I don't really dig on, but my man and the rugrats love it) , pork chops, enchiladas, white chicken chili, and various other dishes. I'm learning what cuts of beef are used for what dishes (because chicken is chicken, pretty much, so that was always easy). I've even learned how to make gravy from scratch.

(Dre - if you are reading this, I can hook you up with a good recipe for the fried chicken if you haven't found one - it's from my grandmother. And I still remember the fried chicken experiments at your old house. Boy, were we dumb. LOL)

All this fried stuff with gravy makes me sound like I must be big as a house, doesn't it? Well, for your information, I haven't gained a pound. In fact I've lost a few. Moderation is key, here, folks. But my cholesterol must be sky high. heh heh heh Oh well. Can't have everything.

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Blog design note - blog still looks the same, but the archives weren't updating and links weren't working, so they are now fixed. Yay!

Medical mysteries

Had a few medical things going on in my immediate family. My mom had some abnormalities show up on an ultrasound, with her kidneys and uterus, so she had an MRI and CT scan this week, but doesn't know the results yet. The good thing is that she feels fine - no lethargy or loss of appetite, etc., so hopefully these things are fluke abnormalities that are easily treatable.

The other thing is that my 4 year old, Ashlyn, needs surgery. Poor little pumpkin. She has a benign tumor in her cheek called a subepidermal calcified nodule that needs to be removed. Luckily, the tumor doesn't interfere with the physiology of her ear or parotid gland or facial nerves YET, but it could if the tumor is allowed to stay and continue to grow. Luckily, it is slow growing and is painless, but it needs to be removed so it won't cause any problems in the future.

She has a consultation with a pediatric plastic surgeon scheduled, then the surgery will be scheduled from there. It's a same day procedure, but she will have to be under general anesthesia because she's 4 and the surgeon can't take the chance of her moving during the surgery. I hate the thought of her going under the knife, even for something minor. :(

All I have to say is... thank god/dess for bubblegum flavored Children's Motrin. That is the only medicine she will take voluntarily. All other medications involve crying, screaming, kicking feet and ultimately, projectile vomitting. Linda Blair has NOTHING on my darling daughters, trust me.

Are you sure all you as-of-yet childless couples really WANT children? Yes, they are wonderful and hearing them laugh and watching them grow and discover the wonders of the world around them is truly magical... but jeez!

You don't know what 'worry' is until you have a child.

Friday Friday Friday!

Yes, I know I have been a big fat blog slacker this week. I have honestly been bored out of my skull and had nothing worthwhile to say.

The bad news: I have already read all my daily blog reads AND all the headlines AND I finished Panda Craze! So what the hell am I going to do all day? Actually work, you say? Bah!

The good news: there is a world of blogs out there that I have yet to discover. I'll find something to read to fill my day!

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Weekend plans:

After nookie and sleeping late, I actually DO have cultural plans for this weekend - there is a PowWow being held here, so my man and I are taking the girls to introduce them to a little of their long-lost heritage. There will be singing and dancing and merriment had by all, hopefully.


Have I ever mentioned on here that my man is Native American? Well, he is. And quite handsome, too. He grew up in Tahlequah, Oklahoma, the capital of the Cherokee Nation. Cool, hunh?

Plans for Labor Day weekend (I usually don't plan this far ahead, but this is a special case):

My dad is coming to visit! Yay! During the Renn Fest!! Double Yay! I love the Renn Fest! So does my dad! So do the girls! Rob has yet to go, so I will be popping his Renn Fest cherry this year. Yay again!

Or should I say 'huzzah'!

Best of Craigslist

Ok, it's Monday. And since it isn't Friday, I have absolutely nothing clever or witty or original to say.

I just want to go home and go to sleep (maybe get some nookie first, tho).

Anyway, since I have nothing original to say, I will paste stuff here from the Best of Craigslist that I find amusing, but that I didn't write myself. See... I am clever if not original today! Yay me!

An ad for a haunted toaster in Minneapolis:

Free white toaster that I think is haunted. My husband got it when his friend died, and I think his friend decided to hang around. His friend doesn't really like me, and likes to burn the toast. I got a new toaster, so I want to get rid of this one. If nobody wants it, though, I'm going to drop it off the roof.

Rave for Moe's and Joe's - a bar in Atlanta

What the hell gives you the right to serve delicious PBR until two in the morning for the low low price of 3.25/pitcher while simultaneously packing your homely little watering hole with young hotties? Its as if you've looked deep within my soul and discovered I have a serious problem controlling myself around these two things, then decided to make both of them readily accessible to the point of obsenity when I have to work in the morning. Fuck you Moe's and Joe's.

Pitchers #1 & 2: I arrive fashionably late. Meet up with 5 friends of mine. Small talk. Game 6. Go Pistons.

Pitcher #3: I introduce myself to friend's date. She looks like Jewel without the snaggle tooth. I remind myself this is my friend's date and I should keep Jewel fetish to myself.

Pitcher #4: Buddies and I spot woman who seems to be bestowed with the finest ass God has ever created. She is unfortunately surrounded by balding 30ish dudes and even worse, enjoying their attention. (If I was the bitter type, this is where I'd join the bandwagon and complain about Atlanta women being heartless golddiggers. However, I realize that at some point I will probably be 30ish, balding and still single. However I'll most likely be making more money than I currently do and it will be then that women like her will be attainable. For now, I'll just bide my time.)

Pitcher# 5: Jewel strikes up converstation with me while buddy is in bathroom. Asks me where I went to school, what I do, yadda yadda.... she's so hot. Cannot get 'Who Will Save Your Soul' out of my head. She can save mine any day. And by save my soul I obviously mean make sweet, sweet love to me in the back of the volkswagon van she is living out of while struggling to make it as a folk musician. Whoa... lost myself there for a second. Buddy comes back and Jewel seems to be ignoring buddy. Fuck. I mention something buddy does to remove myself from no-win situation and shift her focus back to him. Realize having a conscious is totally overrated.

Pitcher# 6: Pistons win and I give a fist pound to token thugged out black dude in booth behind me. Huge ass zircon ring cuts my knuckle wide open and I make a small sceen as I walk/bleed my way to the bar for medicinal beverage napkins. Thugged out black dude complains about the "white boy dat bleed on my bling". One buddy excuses himself because he "has to wake up early in the morning for work." I remind myself I have to do the same and should probably get going soon. I also taunt buddy for being a "raging pussy".

Pitcher# 7: I demand to know why bartender won't sell me pitcher# 8 with #7 because, goddamnit I have $6.50 burning a hole in my pocket and my friends are thirsty. Poor bartender repeatedly explains to me that ass crowded bar means not a whole lot of available pitchers and I am not the only one in the bar drinking. Fact that world does not revolve around me seems foreign and frustrating.

Pitcher# 8: Papa Roach song comes on the Jukebox and I loudly demand to know who in their right mind would play such a musical pile of dog shit. After a few minutes of ranting, I meet cute girl who hates shitty band as much as I do. 2 minutes into our Papa Roach bashing it becomes clear cute girl has even cuter moustache. Hate my luck as I always seem to have a chance with a cute girl with a major defect. Remind myself that I'm no longer in college and that I will regret taking her home.

Pitcher# 9: Jewel and buddy leave. I stand up on the seat of my booth and politely remind everybody at the bar that its a school night and they should probably start heading home just like my 2 "worthless friends". I've just been told by email that I also asked them to "fuck their mothers for me" while they're at it. (This probably scored me no points with Jewel in the event that she chooses to dump my buddy) Medicinal beverage napkins have fallen off and I am aware, but ambivalent to the fact that I am bleeding on my favorite t-shirt. I tell my 2 remaing friends I'm going to walk home. After this pitcher, of course. They berate me for all of 5 seconds before I give in and agree to stay.

Pitcher# 10: I challenge my 2 remaining (and jobless) friends to a game of quarters. Only to celebrate our 10th pitcher of the night I suggest we use dimes. I bring two quarters to the bar and ask for 5 dimes. Bartender hates me. I tip him 2 dimes for the exchange. Bartender hates me even more. Playing quarters with dimes not nearly as fun. Switch back to using quarters and destroy my friends. However, I do lose the game in which we've bet that the loser has to go and talk to amazing-ass-girl.

Pitcher# 11: I agree to bet on the grounds I don't have to pay for last pitcher. Friends agree. Walk over towards amazing ass girl feels incredibly slow. I cannot tell whether this is because her ass has me locked in its hypnotic tractor beam or because the gallon of beer I've drank so far probably has my BAC hovering around .25. I squeeze in between the 3 potbellied 30 somethings surrounding her and lean against the bar as I look her square in the eye. Her gaze meets mine and I am slightly disappointed at my first good look at her face. I tell her so. This apparently makes me an asshole and largest 30 something kindly informs me that I'll have to "move my skinny ass before he runs it over". I ask him whether or not that meant he mistook me for a homosexual and that I'm flattered, but not gay. 2 remaining (jobless, but caring) friends take it upon themselves to escort me home. I am disappointed because large 30 something and I had so much to talk about.

Zig zag my way home and wake up fully clothed. Awesome.

So now I'm sitting at my desk. Its almost noon and the 800 pound gorilla playing the cymbals in my head has not stopped since 7am. My farts smell like limburger and death. I've nodded off twice. Thank you Moe's and Joe's. Thank you for nothing.

See you next Tuesday.

That one was long... but funny. I have done an approximation of the same, but with tequila, not beer. I can't drink that much beer without yakking. Something about the carbonation. Blech.

Mmmm... lard

It's 4 o'clock, Friday at work. I'm just trying to kill the next hour so I can go sit in rushhour traffic and pickup the rugrats.

A preface to the following shameful confession:
I am a dippy person (insert your hyuck hyuck airhead jokes here all you want, you boorish non-blogging fops) - i.e. I love food that you can dip, plus I love various kinds of dip. Pita and hummus, chips and cheese, quesadillas and guacamole, crackers and peanut butter, fruit and Fluff (try it - it rocks! Plus you get the added bonus of a double sugar high - sucrose and fructose! Woohoo!) and don't get me started with fondue. Yum yum good.

So right now I have the munchies and limited access to snackies because our kitchen and our business park suck moldy ass.

But I have sunk to a new low.

I am currently dipping Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream potato chips into Philadelphia Whipped Cream Cheese with Chives. It will cause my ass to grow, my face to get little zits, and my keyboard (fuck it - it isn't mine) to be even more sticky because I am typing as I eat, and it will give me extremely funky breath that I doubt even Altoids could burn thru (with their hydro-chloric acid disguised as peppermint oil and confectioner's sugar. No wonder it's curiously strong!). The chips are flimsy so I am having to pick out and eat the chip shrapnel from the container of cream cheese with a slightly-more-sturdy plastic spoon... and oh, yeah, I'm drinking a luke-warm cherry coke... but it is soooo good! Mmmmmm.

Ahh... I can feel my arteries clogging now!

Search hits on my blog

Recent Google searches that led to my blog:

1. "mermaid tattoo" porn - whaaa? two different posts, so whoever it was searching for it is disappointed. heh heh heh

2. boyfriend "his manic depression" - wrong guy

3. comet astrology - ah, the Russian kook post

4. masturbated - of all the GAZILLION sites that have that word on it, how did my blog make it on that list? It must have been search page 2,367 - that person had ALOT of time on their hands. Or hand... ewww - I won't go there.

Okay, Mrs. Bossy! :)

A request has been made to update my blog more frequently so as to keep my friends amused thru-out the workday.

My answer to this is... if only I were that loquacious and clever, I could rule the world! Like President Bush! (No wait a minute... ) Like Al Gore! (No... not him either.) President Clinton? (Yeah, I think he would work. He talked his ass out of many many things.)

Anway, I really do try to update when I can, but don't for the following reasons:

- My panda is trapped by the zookeeper (as compared to the kitty being trapped by the zookeeper... TOTALLY different game, and I don't know if I would refer to my honey as a zookeeper because that alludes to me being a zoo or jungle or something, which, I can assure you is not the case hygiene wise. Tiger in the bedroom ala My Big Fat Greek Wedding... maybe!)

- I have to pretend like I am actually working because someone walked behind my desk

- I am tired of posting stupid quiz results (I am a quiz snob and find very few of them to be original or funny)

- I just can't handle the pressure from my adoring public! All 6 of you! Like Britney Spears! (Minus the greaseball husband and bun in the oven).

- I can think of absolutely ZERO clever things to say (unless it's Friday - I am always in a good and, therefore, blabbermouth mood on Friday. And today is your lucky day, BEEYOTCHES!!)

No, my real answer is... read OTHER people's blogs besides mine. There is a PLETHORA of highly entertaining blogs out there - I've linked to a few on the right (Kristy in San Fran is HIGHLY funny for all the females out there). The good news: you feel like you know someone, when you really don't know them from Adam (or Eve). The bad news is: the blog author will think you are a creepy lurker if you don't leave comments to acknowledge their existance. So LEAVE COMMENTS, people! Blog authors love comments! It makes us feel special. :)

Ya know some people have even gotten book deals from their blogs?! If only...

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Update on Anysoldier.com:

I emailed the webmaster (and father of the soldier who started the site) and he said thanks for the support, and the number one thing they need is to get the word out.

(Side bar: I read my email AFTER I hit send and realized I had made a few egregious typos and even tho the email was thoughtful and well written syntax-wise, the guy must think I am an idiot because it looks like I can't spell or that English is not my first language. Which it is. I mean, I'm a writer, for chrissake! I hate that.)

So I then emailed the morning shows of three local radio stations (Mix 106.5, Mix 107.3 and Z104) directed them to the www.anysoldier.com website and asked them to please do a PSA on them, since they are non-profit and locally run.

Hopefully they will check out the site and be as moved by it as I am and say something on air and attract more traffic to the site. I have even added their banner on the right there - Freedom isn't free... just ask any soldier.

Yes, Drill Sergeant!

Petco rocks!

In regards to my post yesterday about supporting our troops thru www.anysoldier.com , I emailed the Petco Foundation and asked them if they would be interested in donating items to support the military working dogs that are deployed with the troops.

Well, they already emailed me back and said they would check into it and that it sounded like a great opportunity! Of course, this is no guarantee that they will do anything... but at least they responded in a timely manner and said they would check into it.

Very cool. Renews my belief in my fellow man. And dog.

37 dead, 700 injured... terrorist assholes strike again

In case you live under a rock, London's subway and a bus was bombed by terrorists during rush-hour traffic this morning. 37 dead, 700 injured...

I am so sad, I'm speechless.

We are all British today.

On behalf of the deployed troops...

In case you haven't heard of the www.anysoldier.com website (and you have now!), PLEASE check it out.

This website is a care package grassroots project started by a deployed soldier from the local area and has grown to encompass all the troops deployed overseas. Soldiers/Airmen/Marines sign up and write an entry saying who they are and where they are stationed and then list what their unit would like to have sent to them in care packages.

Here's the thing that grabs you: most of them aren't even requesting stuff for themselves - they are requesting mail for people in their unit that never get any mail from loved ones... toys, candy and clothes for the Iraqi or Afghanistani children... clothes for displaced Iraqi families... and even toys and treats for their military working dogs.

The most expediant thing for me to do from work today to try and help out these heroes was to contact Petco and tell them about anysoldier.com and ask for donations for the requested items for the military working dogs.

But you can bet your ass that I plan to put together care packages and start sending them overseas to support our troops!

And frankly I feel ashamed as an Air Force veteran that I haven't done anything significant any sooner.

I have a new obsession

And no, it's not the Texas Puta. Even tho she has reared her ugly head again.

It's Panda Craze on MSN Games!! And I'm stuck on Level 23! Help!

What, you don't care about my obsession with this game that helps me sneakily while away the afternoon at work, you say? (While I pathetically try not to yell 'Oh maaaaaaaaaan!' in dismay when I get trapped yet again by the dastardly zookeepers so all my co-workers don't come running to look at my screen thinking the system is down, only to see my poor little panda in a trap. Grrrr)

You want to hear about Texas Puta? And how she is still pathetic? And pisses me off? Well, she is and she does.

'nuff bout that.

Damn Russian astrologers give all us kooks a bad name

Astrologist sues NASA over comet crash

MOSCOW (Reuters) - A Russian astrologist who says NASA has altered her horoscope by crashing a spacecraft into a comet is suing the U.S. space agency for damages of $300 million, local media reported Monday.

NASA deliberately crashed its probe, named Deep Impact, into the Tempel 1 comet to unleash a spray of material formed billions of years ago which scientists hope will shed new light on the composition of the solar system.

"It is obvious that elements of the comet's orbit, and correspondingly the ephemeris, will change after the explosion, which interferes with my astrology work and distorts my horoscope," Izvestia daily quoted astrologist Marina Bai as saying in legal documents submitted before Monday's collision.

A spokeswoman for a Moscow district court said initial preparations for the case were underway but could not say when the hearing would begin. NASA representatives in Moscow were unavailable for comment.

New Fave Quote

"I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight." ~ Anonymous Virgo.

Yeah baby!!!

Happy Friday

Courtesy of my bestest bud

FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and ! begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to"How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store
and a bass boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit
Amen